I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
You Might Also Like
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
The prophecy is fulfilled
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go