I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean