I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
HERE’S MARKY
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is