@jewfacekilla

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

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@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@BunAndLeggings

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

@Gupton68

Watching Star Wars and 9 asked in all innocence why they don’t have ejector seats on the X-wings and TIE fighters.

Ejector seats. Ejector seats in space.

I think it’s safe to start drinking that college fund now.

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

@IamJackBoot

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

@KentWGraham

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

@shash_____

Waiter: And how did you find the wine?

Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table