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@AndreyasAsylum: I'm my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
@Cpin42: I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
@ArfMeasures: Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he's like a fish out of water
Wife: He's in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he's dead
@perfect_messs: Them: What's your favorite food?
@hippieswordfish: *hops off a horse* alright buddy, your turn
@LoveNLunchmeat: This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I'm just really bad at math.