I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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[eulogy]
line?
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it