I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Breaking news:
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.