@maurajbg

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

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@AnOrangeSNES

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

@DrakeGatsby

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

@VikeeysSecret

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”

@DrawingShadows

Answer: Marijuana

Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@GrantTanaka

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

@ericsshadow

My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

@catstronomical

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!