Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”
Question: Why am I sitting here on the couch eating ice cream with a fork, watching Telemundo and wearing one sock?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd
*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!