@maurajbg

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

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@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.

@TheAndrewNadeau

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

@BrendanDaGawd

British ppl be having sex like “mmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on”

@Shawn_spree

Wife: Am I grotesque?

Me: No, angel cake!

Wife: Why did you call me a cake?

Me: Cake is round?

*runs *

@LipLush1

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

@shopkins776

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

@FredTaming

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

@BlindVigil

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

@QwertyJones3

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

@ElliotHetherton

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy