Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.