I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Don’t snitch tag.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Planet of the Apps.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*