Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.