“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
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WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I am crying
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Just got to our Airbnb!