@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

@birbigs

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

@Vhalechark

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

@dumbbeezie

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

@CoolHegel

“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut

@brianbowman73

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

@ADHDeanASL

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

@neerjagurnani

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.