My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.