I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
You Might Also Like
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.