I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
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Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough