I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*