[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.
Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens
Submarine crew: *screaming*
Are you mad at me?
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs