I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
No. He’s not coming out to play
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
This bar smells like my childhood.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent