@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

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@ThisOneSayz

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

@Cheeseboy22

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

@ItalianBratikus

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

@sammyrhodes

Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.

@sonictyrant

Me: well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?