him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Someone in Russia doesn’t like cyclists.