I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

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[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present


When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.


I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.


Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.


don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form


[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya


GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates


Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..


wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit


prince eric:


prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer