I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh