@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

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@geo_teira

[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.

@BromanConsul

“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him

@TheToxicWaster

Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

@ericonederful

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

@LisAHHHHHHHH

please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff

@SuperJuanderer

Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my

@SardonicTart

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

“Oh, spare me,” I say, pulling another clone out of the cryogenic freezer.