I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

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[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.


“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him


Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..


If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.


If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.


please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff


Wife has spotted me tweeting while she is talking to me.
This does not please her.
She is currently approaching me.
She is reaching for my


Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.


“Oh, spare me,” I say, pulling another clone out of the cryogenic freezer.