@CountGripsnatch

I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.

You Might Also Like

@CouchPotShots

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@Jacksawyerr

Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

@Littlest_Slobo

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.

@jonnysun

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@AndrewNadeau0

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

@causticbob

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.