BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.