I’m literally crying
I’m no architect, but I don’t think it’s possible to build a city on rock and roll.
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
It was the Busta Rhymes, it was the Worsta Rhymes.
Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.