I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
🤣🤣🤣
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
me and my fake scenarios
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband