I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You Might Also Like
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?