I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.

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summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking


Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.


I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes


When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”


Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.


I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.