@HeyZeus666

I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.

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@lil_escher

summer is the worst time of the year to turn goth what the shit was i thinking

@Marlebean

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

@Lilybrees

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

@Marlebean

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

@dave_cactus

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

@bazecraze

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

@HenpeckedHal

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

@SufficientCharm

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.