@FreudsTwin

I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

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@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@PlainTravis

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@fightgeek

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@ByrdMan0914

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

@SatansTongue

*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*

@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.