I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.

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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.


Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!


Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.


A disturbed lecturer


*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?


Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.


When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.


Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.


To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend


*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*


I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.