I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Saw online –
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
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For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something