I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target