I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen