My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP