Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
$4 #usedbooks
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.