I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
me irl
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?