Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You Might Also Like
*Gets mole removed*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Cell division, explained:
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Three things are guaranteed in life
3- always asking your dog who’s a good boy
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”