I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity