I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong


[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.


Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.


[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S


Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class


Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??


Three things are guaranteed in life

1- death

2- taxes

3- always asking your dog who’s a good boy


He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”