@llvvzz: I'm no longer interested in self-discovery; I'm more interested in self-medication.
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@BradBroaddus: Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
@KyleMcDowell86: I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg