@CandyEmpires

I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.

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@youngcogan

when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.

@stephenjmolloy

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Me: Ya?
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Him: ..
Me: You planning to come back?

@wesjohnson8

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

@theshamingofjay

If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters

@Parkerlawyer

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

@LuvPug

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@dreamthievin

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s