@CandyEmpires

I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.

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@WeissBrandon

I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.

@fowlerism

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

@JennyJohnsonHi5

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

@KalvinMacleod

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

@KhrisWarhol

McDonalds can’t extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.

@MamaNeedsACoke

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’