I’m no longer interested in self-discovery; I’m more interested in self-medication.

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when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.


Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”


Boss: Got good news & bad news.
Me: Ya?
Him: I’m leaving for another job.
Me: Ok..Whats the bad news?
Him: ..
Me: You planning to come back?


The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.


If you jump through the hole in a hipster’s earlobe you get transported to a SIMS game where the only people are Harry Potter characters


The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.


I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps


Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!


Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s