I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before