I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I’m not lazy
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???