At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
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*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Laying in bed, watching the ceiling fan spin, my thoughts wonder to
1. Who turned the ceiling fan on
2. Why don’t I have telekinetic powers
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*