I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not