I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
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I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead