@WilliamAder

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

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@Danny_McH2O

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

@chuuew

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@deankarrier

I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

@KentWGraham

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

@Lovestained555

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

@platinum2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@mom_tho

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead