I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
this is how life feels
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”