I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.