I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Meow
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts