I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Spider-cat: No One Home
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
The government even made aliens boring
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My god she’s good.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny