I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
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Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.