@AbbyHasIssues

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

You Might Also Like

@Storminika

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

@jdforshort

[updating CW’s iPhone]

M: You need more gigs

CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job

Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.

@beedubyah1

It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face

@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

@joeheenan

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

@chuuew

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

@krisv_723

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

@Donna_McCoy

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.