I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
You Might Also Like
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
This why you should mind your business
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
ouch
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
New mindset, who dis?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW