If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
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[updating CW’s iPhone]
M: You need more gigs
CW: I don’t need no gigs I got a job
Having a smart phone doesn’t make you smart.
It would be so satisfying if I found out Enya’s last name is Face
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My mom made this meme don’t let her down