I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
real
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”