When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were
Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
“Your password is two weeks.”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.