@TrueQuixote

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

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@nedostup

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

@danorslim

Me: You wanna have sex tonight?

GF: I’m not in the mood babe.

Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.

@KalvinMacleod

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@NikkiReimer

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

@Ellani_Belle

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

@TashyP_

Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.

@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

@SteveSuckington

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan