@TrueQuixote

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

You Might Also Like

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@pakalupapito

lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were

@ilovepie84

Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.

@petemandik

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

@Rollinintheseat

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

@CrockettForReal

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.