I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.


lobsters would be proud of themselves if they knew how expensive they were


Secretly killing birds and making It look like a suicide – Windexter.


If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.


If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.


If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.


*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”


“Your password is two weeks.”


Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.


Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.


I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.