I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
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Me: You wanna have sex tonight?
GF: I’m not in the mood babe.
Me: Hold on a second. I’m on the phone.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan