While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*
“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.