The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
What if the weather talks about us?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
This makes total sense…
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*