I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.