Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
“I’m not a fan.”
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!
I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.
My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.