Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“I’m not a fan.”
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Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I love Halloween because I can buy 9 bags of Snickers and everyone thinks I’m going to pass them out to kids.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”