“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun