I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
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A leaf blower, but for people.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
#growingpains
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.