I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.