I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
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I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.