[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.
I wonder if clothes in China say “made around the corner”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”