@Girl_Censored

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

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@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@calamitydaisy

I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.

@JessObsess

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

@AndyAsAdjective

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”