@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

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@TySmithdrums

When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.

@TheAndrewNadeau

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

@TweetPotato314

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

@yoyoha

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

@iRowlf

“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse

@English_Channel

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

@behindyourback

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

@AnkCoupleTO

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

@TweetPotato314

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!