When I’m at a bar with my cousin she doesn’t think it’s funny when I yell ‘BUT HE’S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!’ every time the music dies down.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”
-Vin Diesel eating a purse
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!