@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

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@iscoff

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

@MetteAngerhofer

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

@madee_kha

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@WilliamAder

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

@Marcmywords2

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

@weinerdog4life

When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.