@iscoff
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
@1Happytwit
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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@iscoff
@MetteAngerhofer
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
@madee_kha
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
@UnFitz
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
@jakob_huber
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
@angibangie
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
@WilliamAder
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
@Marcmywords2
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
@seamussaid
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
@weinerdog4life
When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.