I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
You Might Also Like
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I feel attacked.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
me after drinking all the wine:
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles