@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

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@ClickBaite

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@wendchymes

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

@subtweetopath

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@fuzzlime

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

@JeremyKCMO

Ladies, here’s a secret. The moment you are happy and over us, we will send you a text saying that we miss you.

@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic