Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[Day 1 Of Lockdown]
Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?
Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s
Me: I ate everything else already
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.
I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If zombies attack I’m heading south, most of those people don’t have teeth.