im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

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Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”


Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”


[Day 1 Of Lockdown]

Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?

Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s


Me: I ate everything else already


Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.


Population Control: Make birth control a psychedelic.

You’re welcome.


To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”


I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.


I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.


First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.


If zombies attack I’m heading south, most of those people don’t have teeth.