im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.